There is Power in the Rebuild

I, unfortunately, dismantled my life with my opioid use disorder. Since surrendering to the recovery process, I have been able to rebuild my life back together differently—better, really.

My rebuild process

There is such a power in the rebuilding process after struggling with substance abuse. My rebuild consists of repairing relationships with my loved ones, healing my mental health, and correcting my educational narrative.

The rebuild process is a rollercoaster ride of emotions and reckoning with the past to better craft my future. I realized that the best way to remedy the guilt I felt from my past was to recover, and to keep recovering. Recovery quelled the guilt that often supported the mindsets that had led me to opiates to begin with.

Rejoining my family

When I first began integrating back into my family, I began facing the reality that it was truly me that pushed them away. While in active addiction, I believed within my core that I was shunned and essentially orphaned by my entire family.

The victim mentality that accompanied my struggles was something I realized was actually fueling my opioid use disorder. That mindset, in my experience, hurt me the most. Realizing that I had pushed away my loved ones so that I could continue using them without people expressing their love, worry and/or judgments of what I had become was hard to accept. After all, people that want better for you, love you, and I couldn’t see that through the lenses I had back then.

My family is phenomenal. We are not without dysfunction of our own kind, but we are full of love of one another. We support each other through the good, bad, and ugly.

My family welcomed me back with open arms. It was almost as if when I began participating in my own saving, they saw that and held the door open for me to be back where I belonged—with them. The biggest blessing that my recovery has made possible for me is my rejoining this wonderful group of people. They were never against me, as I'd previously assumed–they were against the drugs.

Healing my mental health

Healing mental health is a lifelong journey, even for those without the struggles of opioid use disorder. Mental health is a priority for me today, but it wasn’t always like that.

As a person struggling with active addiction for a long time, I wasn’t adjusted to feelings. I could numb, deflect, and altogether avoid facing truth, accountability, and reality with my opioid consumption. When I stopped using opioids, the hurdle I faced was feeling feelings again, which is extraordinarily more difficult then some may realize.

I am 7 years into my journey of freedom from opioid use disorder, and even still, regulating my mental health and processing feelings still presents some challenges. The difference being, I now face them head on, I don’t numb or deflect.

For years, guilt was the most crushing emotion, the emotion that led the charge of my life. Now, it’s gratitude. Gratitude now runs the charge of my life, and keeping that mindset has helped considerably with my mental health maintenance.

Getting educated

Correcting my educational narrative has been a very personal path for me. I had two failed attempts at earning a college degree when I was in my twenties. This morning, I applied for graduation for my associates degree and also applied to begin my bachelor's degree this fall.

Even typing that out, I had to sit back and pause. I used to dream of changing this narrative, and now that dream is coming true. Going back to college in my late thirties initially seemed like such a farfetched goal for “someone like me,” and I had a hard time believing that I was capable. After some time and some solid support of loved ones, I was reminded that if I could stop using opiates, that I could absolutely earn a degree.

As a gift to myself for my sixth year in recovery, I began college in January 2024, and this summer semester is my last for my associates degree. I have even finished early by taking accelerated classes. Again, gratitude is forever present in the forefront of my mind.

The best decision I ever made

I vividly recall waking up daily, for years, seeking a way to numb the pain, dodge the reality of who I had become. My primary everyday goal was seeking a way to outrun the withdrawals of my opioid use disorder.

Choosing recovery allowed me to retrain my brain and tune up my heart. I haven’t just set goals—I am now achieving them. I am seeing the results of effort, hard work, faith and self-love.

Participating in my own saving was the best decision I have ever made, as it’s allowed these transformations to take place in my life. There really is power in the rebuild after choosing recovery. I highly recommend it.