Grief After Recovery

One of my biggest regrets in my years of struggling with opioid use disorder is how I didn't show up for my family while cancer deteriorated and then robbed us of my brother Shawn. I did not watch the decline of his health and the spreading of the cancer day by day as my family did, especially my mom.

The fear of guilt

I visited my brother once in the 6 weeks that he was in hospice. Just once. Admittedly, seeing him was more about me than it was about him. I feared that if I didn’t get the chance to apologize in person, the guilt would kill me.

Shawn passed July 17th of 2017. I didn’t change my life until January of 2018. I integrated back into position in my wonderful family and have stayed solidly here since. Life is offering me another chance for redemption, as cancer has struck our family once again.

Showing up for my family now

My Grandma Shirley is what would be best described as “the glue” for our family. She is the most supportive of matriarchs in existence. This woman has opened her heart, her home, her kitchen, her wallet, and her soul to all of us, and then some.

She epitomizes selflessness and is perpetually parental. She has never let even one of us wonder if she loved us. That is one thing that none of us has ever had to question.

Cancer, the biggest thief in our family, is here again. This time, I am not absent. I am not struggling with opioid use disorder or other addictions. I am present and trying to the best of my ability to show up for this family, especially my mom. Grief, without opioid use disorder is an entirely different journey.

From numbing to gratitude

When my brother was gradually worsening, I leaned into consuming more substances to numb myself from the reality of what was happening to him. Now, while my grandmother is declining, I am leaning into gratitude.

Gratitude is something I only understood and acquired after choosing recovery. I find myself profoundly grateful in every way. I am grateful to be of her genetics, to be somebody she loves, to have been loved by her all my life, and that her support of me meant something powerful regarding my surviving my opioid use disorder.

She's been able to see for herself how her love factored into my transformation the last almost 8 years. Looking back, I understand the appeal of numbing these monumental feelings of grief with opioids, but that is because then, I lacked coping skills. I lacked the ability to stay. Running as far as I could from feelings was an agenda that I kept for many years.

Facing grief with new coping skills

Today, facing these feelings every single day isn’t easy, by any stretch of the imagination. But it’s real, it’s raw, and feeling these phenomenally heavy feelings of grief is just a testament to how much love I have for her.

If I must hurt this badly in this final season of her life because I had her love all my life, I’ll take it, and I’ll appreciate all of it.

The greatest of honors

During one of my many stays at a behavioral health unit in West Virginia, the group was tasked with writing their own obituary. I remember finding that extremely bizarre and borderline creepy. I recall staring blankly at that paper, incapable of finding the words.

Recently, my mom asked to write my grandmother's obituary. What an absolute privilege to write the sendoff for the woman who gave me my love of writing.

I find myself continuously comparing who I was in 2017 with who I am today. Had I not chosen recovery, this honor wouldn’t have been bestowed on me. I wouldn’t have been able to strengthen and nurture my relationship with my wonderful grandmother, nor would I be showing up for my family.

Recovery gave me my family back

Who I am today just cannot conceive being on the outside of my family again or being absent for the good, bad, hard, and beautiful. As people suffering with substance abuse, we just don’t fully recognize how many doors open and seats become available for us after choosing recovery. The impact and appreciation come later.

Recovery allowed me to walk through doors that led me back to my family and sit at their tables, with wonderful foods cooked by my unparalleled grandmother. Nobody regrets choosing recovery. Recovery gave me my family back.