When You Look Fine but Still Struggle to Stay Afloat

Asking for help prior to entering recovery is hard. Admitting and internalizing I had problem was huge breakthrough for me. I remember looking at my predecessors and wanting what they had. The job, stability, friendships, balance, joy and so on. Through time I acquired all the things I desired.

However, no one told me that I would have to acquire a different kind of humility once I had been in recovery for a reasonable amount of time. You become known in the recovery community and for whatever reason people get put on pedestals. People do it to us and we do it to ourselves.

When Success Becomes Something to Protect

This issue for me is that I craved success and stability in my life for so long and once I had it, it became terrifying to admit I was struggling while sober. Because I wanted to be known as someone who had their life together; because for the first time in my life;, I did.

Deep down it was pride, ego and I was afraid if I shared about my struggles people would judge me. I knew my family would worry about me and jump to the worst possible outcome and that drove me crazy. I just wanted to be heard and maybe even a solution. I was also afraid my family wouldn’t be as proud of me if they knew I was struggling which is insane.

Learning to Share Selectively

Thankfully, someone told me that I didn’t have to share everything at a group level, and I could just share with those in my close circle. This led to me learning to be humble and just share where I’m at. I learned that we are all human and all fallible and susceptible to anything in life.

Being Vulnerable as a Recovery Advocate

Later in life, I went through a new challenge, which is being vulnerable while being a social media influencer. Specially a recovery influencer. I had a return to use, and I was terrified of being transparent with folks and what that would look like. It felt like my whole identity was tied to recovery. I think the old saying of those that mind doesn’t matter and those that matter doesn’t mind.

What Transparency Taught Me

I eventually shared and was honest with everyone and I’ve learned transparency is respected almost always. It takes an extreme amount of courage to be vulnerable in this type of situation and if anything, people respected me more because of it. Later, I received messages from people telling me that my transparency inspired them to become vulnerable and ask for help. It’s not easy to admit a return to use to 10s of thousands of followers.

Finding My People

As time went on and I grew in life and in recovery I learned that we are all human and we are all doing the best we can to get by. I found my people who I could share anything with, and they would love and support me. I became willingly to let things go quicker and I became more willing to talk about my struggles in recovery.